Plot twist

Turns out I’m the bad guy!!! Dun dun dunnn.

Yeah I’m a pretty shitty person, I get so wrapped up in my own shit that I forget to take into account that other people may want to talk.

To people I love though I’m a dear. I bake gifts when they are having a bad day or gestures of kindness.

But I talk a hell of a lot and I also make a serious amount of mistakes  I’m not joking about this. My life is one medical/ financial shit storm and I love to talk about it with whoever will listen.

And ive realised I am actually pushing friends away with my friendship cause I am that over barring and need to fix everything when it’s wrong. Even if it’s not I think it is and then try to fix it and make things worse.

I’ve  had multiple friends leave cause of this in subtle and not so subtle ways. So I have come to the conclusion that I am a villain whahahahahaha yes I did an evil laugh.

and I tell you what! I am the fucking villian and I’m not fucking ashamed I’m better off without the people that are nasty about the way  I act. I’m not mean or rude I’m certainly not nasty so I don’t care.

 

Typical

i live with a bunch of nasty hypocrites in a large house. A few months ago there was a fuck up and I was told I do too much in the house and that I’m not the house mother and I need to back the fuck off. Since then I have plus I got really sick and have been in and out of hospital. That being said I’m still doing more around the house than most of the house!

Ive now been accused of doing little in the house and I need to do more because they all work full time but I don’t so I have to pick up the slack cause they don’t want to -.-

im so done with this shit!

The little things

I washed my hair today for the first time in 2 weeks. I’ve kinda just had it in a bun while I shower. I feel a bit better.

my cat cuddled me today so she clearly isn’t that mad at me for my hair removing betrayal.

I aslso watched a film called hungry hearts cause Adam driver was in the cast list, he’s not a bad actor! It’s a good film but very intense it put me in a really wierd place but hey it made me feel something. That’s the point.

 

 

 

It’s all coming out of the woodwork

Basically I’ve fallen into this really shitty pit recently and realised right now my life is going fucking nowhere. I know it’s my fault and I don’t think the world owes me anything but do you know how how hard it is to move on from something like this. A lot of people claim depression and personality disorders and then shit on anyone else who has the apparent same affliction just had it affect them differently. Claiming that it’s not real or they are just lazy, then there are the reforms “I did it you can too just go out you’ll feel better” and “don’t you go mad being in all the time, why don’t you just go out” if it were that simple do you not think I would have left my fucking house. You know what yes I avoid the doctors when I know I should go because I am lazy! I don’t meet my friends or do the activitys I love because it’s effort! Sweet Mary mother of god what the he’ll is wrong with people.

I know it’s easy for me to say this and then ignore the people that genuinely try to help. I’ve heard my husband try to console me a million times and now it just feels routine. We go through the motions when I’m having a bad week.

I’ve noticed my mother in law doesn’t even push and tell me I can do awesome stuff and the business is good. That’s a low when someone who hates me but has tried to better me for 6 years doesn’t even comment on how I talented I am because it’s exhausting for her to keep trying when I dont listen.

Yes im whining, I do it allot cause I have no friends I can bother with this shit.

Today I realised I’m fucked

That is exactly as it sounds. I’ve never wanted much more from life than for people to know who I am. I want to be rich, famous and known for something other than being a terrible drunk. Today I realised I will never be those things :/  I don’t really have any special skills or the money to push the ones I do have, I’m not hot enough to be a model and I’m clumsy as hell. No one ever listens to me when I talk and I do that a lot more than I should. Don’t get me wrong I love my life my husband and my pets mean the world to me but I’m just in that place right now where I want so much more and I’ve realised what 80% of the world want the same thing and never reach it so why could I.

I can’t even hold down a job because I suffer with huge amounts of social anxiety, depression and general fucking things up in my own head before they even becombe a reality.hence why I work from home and even that’s gone to shits. I unwilling live by the motto I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it and it sucks.

I want to go to conventions and people already know who I am because of my work. Or one day someone asking me how I did it. Or maybe meeting a celebrity and they know who the fuck I am so when I go all coy and mental they are doing the same dam thing. I want other people to look at me and believe I’m a functioning adult with the world at me feet. I’d take even a company I love to ask if I can help on a project cause they like my work -.-

i just want to be somebody.

so I’m “fangirling”

let me explain the not quite geek thing. I play video games for enjoyment, i don’t mod my games and i don’t know all the Easter eggs. i know pretty much nothing about technology or new gadgets. my consoles currently consist of a ps3, wii and a Gamecube id love new gen but i’m poor, like super poor i mean i can afford food and a trip to cex once a month but that’s my lot? I spend most of my time cramming in as many episodes of tv shows/anime as i can, playing RPGs or sewing cosplays i’ll never wear. my house isn’t riddled with in box figures or things like that (I wish it was). The thing that draws me to geek is the fact you can bring up a current interest and i get all giddy and can discuss for hours.

Which brings me to my current obsession, I’m not kidding here either i am one step away from reading teenage fanfic over theories and that worries me massively. I’m not  level headed person in the slightest but this is stupid. i feel like a 13 year old girl crushing on a boyband -.-  in all honesty it could be worse i know i cannot be alone in this. you’ve all had this don’t lie!! being frank i think my new love affair could have been worse its from a franchise that has sparked emotions in people from the first showing in 77 and now with the new release of the force awakens I’ve been thrown into the body of a teenage boy seeing Carrie Fisher for the first time.

i was pretty slow on the Star Wars thing i’m only 25 and didn’t exactly grow up in an area it was ok to be different. i didn’t get on with my parents at all so i rebelled and got drunk all the time.  which may actually explain this. Now i am stalling you all know whom i am talking about if anyone has actually read this… wow.

Kylo Ren,  there it is i admitted it. I have a consuming obsession with the moody, rebellious luscious haired Kylo Ren, and why wouldn’t I. So the broken Ben solo has stolen many hearts than mine, I’m sure it cant just all be about Po and Fin. really not sure where to go from here. i was curious when the teaser trailers where released and defended that cross guard till my dying breath and now I know I was right to. Anyone who has seen the film felt the surge and pulse in the chest when his saber was unsheathed for the first time, that raw anger when he hears about Rey. That was it for me, I was there it was too late even if what happens later was devastating! He embodies everything I wish I could have been/done as a teen (well apart from the death, ok maybe a little death) hes impulsive and rebellious and strong and handsome and ambitious and oh lord I could go on… stop it your 25 dammit! dear Odin I wasn’t lying about this was I.

As i said things have been a little up and down for me and his is where i am going to pour all my shit that i cannot tell my friends and my husband just giggles at me and says sorry he isn’t unstable enough to *clears throat* well help in an adult manner….ahahah wow.

and there you have it my confession for the day.

What the hell am I doing?

Well here goes nothing, I’ll jump straight in. I am a 25 female thing from the south of England, id love to think of my self as a geek but I’m not quite there. For the last week or so my life has been a mess but the one constant right now it it’s apparent i am “fangirling” pretty hard.

I didn’t know what to do about this so I’m writing a blog. TA-DAH  what the hell am i thinking i hardly ever read blogs, what am i even doing right now? Also i cannot spell for shit and my grammar is appalling so bare with, I commend you for getting this far i really do.